My ego's like my stomach, it keeps shitting what I feed it

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 06:30:07 GMT

2 weeks ago, I should have been dead.
I don't know where I would have gone, I could have been in the ground rotting, heaven or hell, give or take.
None of that mattered to me.
How fucking selfish can I be.
Thousands of milligrams of seroquel in my system and nameless other chemical compounds. I should have been dead. Whatever kept me alive was some sort of miracle.
The funny thing is, when you wake up and realize that you're still intact with your body and you're still awake and breathing, back in the same shithole you were trying to get out of.
I've heard the stories..By this moment, you're supposed to be aware and see the aspects in life that you never really could appreciate. Go upstairs, hug your little sister that you could never get along with for the life of you, tell your father who you find impossible to live with that you love him. See your friends and let them know how good they are to you and how lucky you are to have them in your life.
Not me.
I wasn't happy...but I wasn't dissapointed. I truly felt for the first time in my life, absolutely nothing. Emptiness.
I remembered everything, I had the note in my pocket and the one sent text message to the one person I made contact with.
All I told her was that I was sorry and that I loved her. Sorry for everything. All my life all I've ever been is sorry.
I don't show it. I haven't told a single soul, and the only reason I'm putting it on here is because the only people who read this are my best friends, the closest I've ever had to my heart and I just want them to know how much it fucking means to me that they're here.
I deal with it every day, I wake up with a smile on my face and go about with the friends that I've made here. But this isn't really me, this isn't me.
They might be my friends, but they aren't my family.
I'm glad to be alive.
I have family that wouldn't be able to spare the guilt and anguish I could've caused.
And I go through every day working harder and harder to get back to where I belong, to where my life truly started.
I'll be home soon, I'll be home for good with the friends that have been there for me all my life, thick and thin, and will be forever.
I love you guys.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 02:27:14 GMT

Submerge my dead body into the depths of the graveyard
Plant me not a gravestone;
for where I fertilize the soil containing my lifeless corpse
A Garden will grow, A beautiful rose for everytime you told me you loved me
Left for you and only you to pull apart every petal
"forget-me-not"

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 01:33:23 GMT

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Fri, 07 Dec 2007 01:49:47 GMT

I'll slam my head into this door
until my body hits the ground, lifeless
lifeless i fall
wrists bound by broken glass
I can still see my bloodspattered reflection
shattered into millions of pieces
Scattered on the floor
I scream my dying words
that will haunt you forever
A rest assured statement
"I'll See You In Hell"

The first and last girl I ever loved.

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 19:23:45 GMT

now who is left to love or trust?
I've spent my life collecting dust
my motivation's gone to shit
You played the biggest part of it
You left me face down in the dirt
You promised me this wouldn't hurt
I wouldn't miss or a feel a thing
Each night you haunt my thoughts and dreams
This is more than a loss of sleep
This is the promise you couldn't keep

I spend my nights laying in an empty bed
Screaming at a wall that won't scream back
Staring at a ceiling that won't look away

I'll finally be home in 22 days.
<3

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 23:33:43 GMT

Molly's birthday is tomorrow.
Wish her a happy birthday, or you die.